A young friend asked me recently, “How do you know if you have self-esteem…and how do you know if you have enough?” This is a great question. She said it seemed to her that once someone became successful, self-esteem was set. She assumed self-doubt disappeared and successful people regularly set goals and achieved them. No, not at all I told her. It’s never that simple. We are all constantly evolving with self-esteem -successful or not. There is an ebb and flow with our self-esteem as with other human emotions. My friend knew that I had been working on a self-esteem workshop for the “No Boys Allowed” retreat and wanted examples from my own life…something she could sink her teeth into. I told her, “For me, it boils down to a level of self-trust, self-love and self-awareness.” The ebb and flow of these levels changed as I matured, faced obstacles and achieved success. Here are some of the questions that come up for me around self-esteem:

1) Am I willing to put myself out there in continually challenging situations and trust that I can perform, make decisions and not compromise my integrity?

2) Do I prepare myself for these situations so that I can succeed?

3) Do I know what I am capable of…and not? If not, am I willing to learn?

4) Am I able to meet my standard of excellence in this situation?

There have been many situations in my life where I have challenged myself and relied on the experience of past successes to get me though current situations. This is how I track my self-esteem.

About sixteen years ago, I distinctly remember walking to an exterior location where I was about to direct the first scene of a network sitcom that I was producing. The cliché in Hollywood is true - just like everyone else - I wanted to direct. I had been producing for many years…but to challenge myself creatively, I needed something more. I asked for a directing assignment on a show I was producing and got it. This took a high level of self-esteem to ask for this assignment. Any new director is a risk. I knew this because I hired directors. As a producer, I was always behind the scenes quietly performing my job. As a director, I was front and center. I was not sitting behind a desk working on budgets, schedules and the delivery of the show. I still had these responsibilities, but for this particular week I was also the director. The crew, actors and writers were looking to me for creative decisions this time. I could feel some nervousness from a few people. I prepared for this moment over many years, observing other directors, spending more time on the stage and directing and writing scenes in my directing classes. However, the best prep had nothing to do with television. It was taking a survival course from the Sierra Club about three years before. Yes…a mountaineering survival course. Succeeding in this course - pushing against my mental, physical and emotional limits - gave me a sense of what I was capable of overall. I notice that athletes have success in many areas of their life for the same reason. Directing and many other challenges seemed like a piece of cake after this commitment. I bet on myself and won. Knowing that I had the wherewithal to complete this monumental goal fed my self-esteem. I’m not saying it was easy…far from it. Over ten weeks, I methodically learned new skills, new vocabulary, conquered fears (heights, ice axes, bears, avalanches, fatigue) and stretched my body and mind to survive in the wilderness. All I kept saying to myself that first day of directing was, “If I can survive snow camp, I can direct.” Snow camp was our graduation weekend where we were dropped off in the Sierras (14,000 ft.) for three days with temperatures hovering around 18 degrees (remember this is California), carrying fifty pounds of gear. Not only was it frightening…it was exhilarating. My hard work paid off.

The same thing happened with directing. I challenged myself, succeeded and found a new creative outlet. My biggest challenge was staying in the moment and letting things unfold without knowing all the answers in advance. This is creative work… balancing all of the preparation but being present for the magic.

Self-esteem is an ongoing process. Like spiritual work…you are always testing your faith. You build your self-esteem every time you keep your word to yourself. With every boundary you set in relationships. With every intention, goal and plan you carry out - you build self-esteem. The magical thing about high self-esteem is attracting others with equally high self-esteem and having healthy, productive, and mutually satisfying relationships. Relationships in which you champion each other’s accomplishments and celebrate true happiness.

There are great books on self esteem notably Marianne Williamson’s book “A Woman’s Worth and Dr. Nathaniel Branden’s “A Woman’s Self-Esteem”